Discord Hiatus

Whilst in a mentally terrible place, I pressed the delete account button on Discord. I was going to just ghost out of there. Of course, you get a grace period of 14 days, so I ended up undoing that when I was feeling better.

Instead of ghosting, I decided to send messages to those close to me to tell me I was taking some time away and passed on my phone number if anyone needed to get in touch.

The reason for this is, I'm using the internet as an escape from reality. I get home, check out what's going on, then sit there, refreshing over and over, doing nothing important.

I always seem to have something to escape reality. I spent years of my life addicted to alcohol, once I got hooked on a terrible mobile game, when I was younger I became completely obsessed with baking. It sometimes feels like I can become addicted to anything it is possible to become addicted to.

But it's time to face up, I'm horribly depressed, I don't seem to be able to be happy with who I am. I have everything I need in life; a job I love, a house that I own, people that care about me, and yet, it doesn't matter.

It shows there's nothing missing. The problem is me, and if I keep escaping reality by whatever means, its not going to be fixed.

I do stupid self destructive things because for some reason I don't actually feel content being happy, it's almost like I don't even want to feel happy, because I've been depressed for so long it's all I know.

There's a term for this oddly specific set of circumstances, dry drunk. I am six years sober, but still have the same negative patterns of trying to escape from reality.

So I've decided one year is my target. I had my first day off Discord on the 23rd April, and I hopefully won't be back until that date next year.

A watercolour desk in the sky

Immediate Effects

Since leaving, I go on my laptop and don't know what to do. And it makes me feel empty inside.

I even considered taking up my long forgotten habit of smoking hand rolled cigarettes because I just feel like I need something.

This is my second blog in two days because I've just wanted to express myself. How I'm doing.

So for now, I've written down some things I can do. I got some art supplies for my birthday so I want to break those in. I saw a random Reddit comment about Pokemon Go so I've installed that, maybe it'll get me out the house. I've got a journalling app I want to work on.

And I guess I could do my job too.

I'm not going to publish this immediately, I'll check back in May and write some follow up comments. Which you will be able to read. Right now. Because it will be the future in which I've written follow up comments.

One week later

It's actually more than a week but whatever. I've been playing Hollow Knight recently, but I've really been playing Hollow Knight, like it's been capturing all my attention which is basically unheard of for me these days.

I also got Stardew Valley since one of my friends loves it and has racked up over 100 hours. Didn't seem like my kind of thing because I don't usually like investing large amounts of time in a game, but why not?

Some old habits are creeping back, I spend more time on reddit, but it still doesn't feel like I'm addicted to it in the same way I was constantly refreshing Discord.

One thing I've taken up is Pokemon Go. I made an account 8 years ago and never played it. It's still a distraction sure, but at the very least it's a distraction that wants me to leave my house to catch Pokemon instead of wasting away at home.

Has this break made me less depressed? I don't know. Has it made me better at focussing? I think so. I have been able to dedicate significant focus to a video game where I once couldn't. I've also been working on a web app which can easily soak up my attention, whereas before it's been kind of gruelling and it's been the victim of procrastination.

So far, it's been positive.

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