05/06/2023
In Which I Discuss My Alcoholism
An Intro To Everyday Alcoholism
Often when you think of alcoholics, you think of the people who are drinking in Wetherspoons (a cheap British pub chain for the uninitiated) at 7am. You think of homeless people, or people who have lost their jobs and families. You think of people who have hit rock bottom. But alcoholics walk among us, and a lot of the time, you wouldn't even know it.
There is no definitive definition of what it takes to be an alcoholic, but a generally accepted principle is that, if you have ever wondered if you are an alcoholic, you probably are one.
Generally alcoholism starts because we want to escape from something, and obliterating our minds is the only coping mechanism we can think of. Or it can simply be a slippery slope. You drink on Friday and Saturday. Eventually you add Sunday in. You had a bad day on Monday so you have a drink to take the edge off. Then it creeps up and up until you're drinking every day.
It happened to me, it's happened to lots of people, it could happen to you. And alcohol's grip on your addicted brain will mean you do anything you can to justify it. Plus, let's be real here, it's embarrassing to admit you're an alcoholic. It has so many negative connatations, and it's not something you want to admit to even yourself, let alone other people.
But this blog isn't necessarily supposed to be about the negatives of alcoholism, it's more a reflection on the positives that I've enjoyed since I stopped drinking, and hopefully it can provide a source of inspiration to some people.
It feels like giving up drinking is just that, giving something up, something you think you enjoy.
But it's not. By not drinking you're actually freeing yourself. If drinking is making you miserable, then you're not giving up anything valuable.
If you woke up every day and threw yourself down the stairs, you wouldn't think "Oh no, I'm giving up throwing myself down the stairs, I'm going to miss it". You'd think "Thank god I'm not throwing myself down the stairs anymore".
2023 will be my 5th year of no alcohol and thus far, there has not been one single day that I've woken up thinking "I wish I'd had a drink last night". I suspect there never will be.
The Positives
I've Taken Up Loads of New Hobbies
Everything I used to do was accompanied by a drink. Everything. At the same time, alcohol drove my drive to do anything to zero. After even one drink I would just be sedentary for the remainder of the evening.
I didn't have any hobbies. I didn't do anything. I just sat around and drank. And when I tried to do anything, I couldn't commit to it. Which then made me feel bad, which made me drink more.
But fastforward to the present day, I now have a lot of hobbies.
Do you know how long I tried to play guitar for without success? 13 years. But I'm finally actually capable of putting in effort and practice to get at least a little bit better. I would even say that playing guitar is enjoyable now.
I've also taken up active hobbies. I go running, I go out on inline skates and recently I've taken up surfskating. These are all things I would never have done before because I would have been too hungover, or I wouldn't have felt like it, or I'd have made some excuse, or I'd just be feeling too anxious and self-conscious to go out and do something.
Actually I still feel self-conscious now, but because I actually get a good, undisturbed night's sleep and wake up feeling good, I can leave the house at 6am to practise things when nobody else is about.
I Made A Game
One thing that really hit me when I stopped drinking was just how bored I felt. It was like the only reason I found anything entertaining was because I had a drink in my hand.
When I was younger I used to mess around making games in Gamemaker, so I thought hey, maybe I'll give that a shot again. And I did.
I made a massive game called Other Minds which I dedicated two years of effort to.
Okay, looking back it isn't as good as I thought it was at the time, but it's still an absolutely massive accomplishment. And most importantly it laid the groundwork for my next point.
I'm Actually Learning Things
I made this website. Maybe that doesn't seem like much but I've never made a website before (at least, nothing that didn't look like a dumpster fire), and not for lack of trying. Infact I've tried learning programming many times before, but never really succeeded.
Without alcohol flowing through my veins, I've been able to actually see joy in learning. It's no longer a means to an end, I'm actually actively interested in knowing about things and how to do things. I'm not just doing it because I think I should.
I've always quite enjoyed programming, but struggled to get out of my comfort zone. But now I feel like I'm making real progress. I'm learning new things every day and I'm actually enjoying it. I'm always looking forward to the next thing I'm going to learn.
Closing
It's been a long road to get to this point. Quitting drinking isn't just flicking a switch and instantly your life is amazing. We all have things to deal with, and alcohol doesn't mean you don't have to deal with them. Drinking yourself into obliteration just means you're not dealing with them. And you're also drunk. And hungover. And miserable.
Quitting drinking, for me, was the first step in a long journey of self-improvement. One which I hope will continue throughout the rest of my life.
I write this blog for my friend who has just started his journey of sobriety.
Here's some good links: