17/12/2023
I'm Depressed
Long pointless rambling post incoming.
A few weeks ago I had what you might call a "mental breakdown". A culmination of stresses in my life resulted in me going out of my mind, wandering the streets to try make it through the night, then eventually being picked up by the police and taken home. Some other things happened to make the experience even more traumatic. But I'm not going to go into that here.
After visiting a doctor the next day I was referred to the Crisis Team, who are responsible for intervention in mental health emergencies, to try and prevent hospital admission where possible. The meeting with them was incredibly helpful, helped validate a lot of my feelings and put things into perspective. But one thing they said stuck with me. I was "very clearly depressed". What?
I've never really thought of myself as being depressed, but I suppose when you're in a state for so long it becomes normal. Being told I'm depressed has actually made a lot of puzzle pieces fall into place.
I have previously spoken about my alcohol dependence in these blogs, and I think using drink to mask depression worked for around 10 years, until I quit. Since then I've just been struggling through life I suppose. As if this lack of enjoyment and motivation is normal.
Even when I have been at low points, various things have prevented me reaching out for help. Amongst those are:
Not Feeling Sick Enough
At what point do you feel you're mentally unwell enough to actually seek help? My life is, from an external perspective, pretty good. I'm a homeowner. I've been employed for the past 10 years or so. I have a Physics degree (debatable whether that's a postiive). I'm financially comfortable. I have a long term girlfriend. Who am I to go around claiming to be depressed?
Attention Seeking
I have always had this weird view of mental health, probably stemmed from the fact I used to be very self centred. It was once pointed out to me that I was always talking about myself, and I realised that I was. But I think since then I've gone to the complete opposite, and I don't like talking about myself much at all.
This has possibly been what has lead to me believing talking about my own mental health is somehow trying to gain pity and attention.
I have more recently realised that this is, of course, not the case at all, and that talking about mental health is actually a very positive thing to do for a multitude of reasons. For one it may help you understand yourself, and for another, it really is surprising what people are willing to talk to you about when you open up to them first. It's almost as if humans are complex creatures with a multitude of emotions and feelings, and that we all have our own problems to deal with.
The Bottom
So recently I reached what may be called 'rock bottom'. I was in a very bad place, and I was very close to doing something stupid.
This isn't a place I want to be again, but it does add some perspective to my life. I was filled with fear over a job interview I had coming up, and I was worried about my future. But when you have a 'vacation' in a mental health crisis home, you realise how little those things actually matter. The job interview became very insignificant and although I was fully ready to throw the towel in, I decided to go ahead with it anyway. As it happens, I was offered the job.
Maybe hitting the lowest of lows is what I needed to realise that I need to make some changes in my life. Maybe I need to hit the lowest lows to realise what the highest highs are.
What Now?
So over the past few months I've had multiple threads of my life coming together. I self referred myself to the local therapy services, and will be starting that this week. I've started a course of anti-depressants which were prescribed to treat anxiety. These have helped, to an extent. I'm also starting a new job in a subject area I'm actually interested in, which is a huge change for me.
Depression is deceptive. It creeps up on you without you realising it, then it sets the baseline for your life. You don't realise how bad things are, and you end up in a doom spiral.
Since I've had a lot of time with my own thoughts, I've been able to reflect on what drives the difficult parts of my life. Without going into too much detail, I've realised that I have a lot of unresolved issues that I need to work on, and one of the key things is actually working on myself. I've often put so much focus on pleasing others that I've neglected myself.
I'm not sure what the future will hold, but I'm hoping to make some positive changes in my life. Hating yourself and blaming yourself for everything is not a way to live.